Toby Arenberg

Toby (Ruthenberg) Arenberg (9/12/35 - 7/8/26), my mom, was the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. Born in Chicago in 1935 to immigrants from Eastern Europe, Nettie Appel and Irving Ruthenberg, they lived on the north side where life was quiet. She had many childhood friends growing up. A testament to how much she was loved, many of those friends stayed in touch until the end. Toby played the piano and enjoyed music, mostly anything written before 1960, or as she would say, something with a melody. She spent many summers as a child in Michigan at her uncle’s “farm”, where she learned to be independent. The Ruttenberg clan was quite large, and she had many cousins in the Chicago area. By the whims of Ellis Island, her father got a different spelling of his last name. Toby had a brother Jack, who was 14 years older and passed away when she was 29.

After graduating from Northwestern, she went into teaching elementary school for several years. She married my dad, Stanley Arenberg who was just starting law school at Northwestern, in 1958. They had their first child, Ilene, in 1961. That first Chicago winter with a child was enough to ask Stan about moving to California, and to her surprise he immediately said yes - a story she told many, many times. After he graduated law school they moved to Redwood City, California where they had their second child, Edward, that’s me. Her brother lived in Orange County, CA, and a childhood friend in Los Angeles, so they packed up and moved closer, to Gardena, where they had their third child, Jeffrey. Seeking more room, they moved into their first home in “the valley”. It was not long before Ilene was diagnosed with autism. This began a lifelong quest of Toby and Stan to find or establish support services for autistic children, and later, adults. Toby drove Ilene to programs in the city so often that after a few years the family moved closer, to West LA. This was her final home, and she took ownership, tending her gardens, refinishing furniture, and taking care of her family.

When the local autism program shut down, Toby and Stan with several other parents decided to create their own, first a weekly group and eventually the Los Angeles chapter of the National Society of Autistic Children. Toby spent many years on the board, working in the office, creating new programs, and building advocacy. In an effort to create a more supportive structure for people with autism, she spearheaded the creation of Jay Nolan Community Services along with several other parents seeking more support for their children. To establish JNCS, she chaired 8 local telethons that raised critical funds and brought awareness of autism to thousands. She served on the JNCS board well into her later years, and when she no longer could do it herself, made sure it was in good hands. Today, JNCS has 9 offices and supports over 500 individuals with autism.

In her 60’s she embarked on what seemed impossible, to reconnect the Ruttenberg family tree that she had left so many years ago. Tracing her family back to Jacob Ruttenberg in the mid-1800’s, she went down Jacob’s 5 sons and 2 daughters. Some she knew from her years in Chicago, but the family had scattered. After years of letters, phone calls, and research, the impossible was achieved with over 500 cousins on the tree. In her later years, Toby loved to retell stories of finding cousins and connecting them. The family was so grateful for her efforts, and held 3 large reunions over several years around the country.

In her later years she took care of Stan, who was on dialysis and soon couldn’t care for himself. She took over all household duties and took care of Stan every day. While I would visit and help where I could, after a few years it was clear this was overwhelming her. She never asked for extra help, but I decided to move in and take the burden off her. Stan passed a year later, and Toby’s physical strength was waning. Mom loved her home, so I decided to stay and make whatever time she had left comfortable and enjoyable. In those 9 years I believe she was happy, and I did my best to care for her. Her passing came suddenly. She was fine one evening and in the hospital the next morning. She passed comfortably the next evening with her sons by her side. Mom’s life was such a blessing to so many, and I know her legacy will live on through all those she touched.